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Where I Turn Down a Gay 'Wedding' Invitation

Dear Katie,

I hope this letter finds you well. You’ve been in my mind lately as it’s been a few weeks since we’ve met up. We’re overdue to grab a coffee – I hope we can soon.

I also want to thank you for thinking of me as you sent out invitations for what I know will be a big day for you and Joanna. I’ve known you since before you met her (two years ago now is it?) and I appreciate all you’ve shared with me about how meaningful that relationship is to you. 

I received the invitation for your ceremony. Thank you. It was kind of you and Joanna to think of me, especially since you know that I have a Christian faith. You've never directly asked me my views on gender or sexuality. But I think our conversations must have touched on it enough times to at least make you a bit unsure of my reaction when you sent the invitation.

I have to say 'no' to your kind invitation. You know that I care for you and that I value our friendship. You know I don't reject you because you are gay. That's why, with your permission, I'd like to explain to you some of what my faith involves and why this faith would make my attendance at your ceremony an unloving thing to do. 

You know from all the discussions and debates we've had that I respect your intelligence, so I trust you won't see the style of my writing as mansplaining. I'm simply trying to explain my beliefs in a simple and basic way. 

  We See Everything Differently

You have rarely talked to me about my faith and my few attempts to bring it up has not - seemingly - met with much interest on your end. You asked me once what God thought about cheap beer and 80’s music - but I think that’s the extent of it (he’s not a fan in case you’ve forgotten). But our talks have revealed that we still share the love of many things: culture, films, music, books, and, of course, spiced rum.

But my relationship to God isn’t just a small piece of my life that can fit neatly into a drawer. It’s rather a pair of glasses that enables me to see and interpret everything else – just as your atheism affects everything you see – be it consciously or unconsciously. It’s because we each wear different glasses that my declining to attend a day which is important to you may not make any initial sense.


Your atheism posits that all the world is the result of time and chance acting upon matter. But as a Christian, I believe the world was created with purpose as essentially good to be received and experienced with gratitude and lived out with the intention it was created for. 

For that reason, you see our mutually beloved spiced rum differently than I do. You see it through the materialistic lens. You see your taste buds as the fruit of evolved bacteria that just so happen to derive a sense of pleasure when put in contact fermented molasses. 

You may give thanks to me if I happen to buy you the drink – but that’s the extent of it.

But I see that glass differently. God knew we would figure out how to make rum and so he gave us taste buds specifically to enjoy it. He also gave us cinnamon and other spices so that we could blend the rum in a way that angels approve of. God allowed us to discover rum because he is good and wants us to be happy and give him thanks.

We both enjoy this – but for me, it's an act of worship. For you, it's a chance meeting of molecules. My rum drinking is different from yours because my universe is different from yours.

    Our Sex

The same is true for my sex. Like rum, we may both enjoy sex - but I have sex different from you. And that’s not just because I’m a dude. As an atheist, you see sex as one of the accidents of the universe – more pleasurable than most perhaps - but still purposeless in the ultimate sense of the term.

But as a Christian, I believe sex is a gift given by a kind God whose heart is bigger than Christmas. It’s a gift that is intensely purposeful and we should not use it in accordance with any impulse we may experience. Like electricity, it is a great gift – but misuse of that powerful gift may harm. We have many rules regulating how electricity is managed in public places - not because we don’t value our citizens, but because we do.

God knew that he was going to save the world through Jesus sacrificially laying down his life in death and that he would be with his people in full, unrestrained love forever. Because God knew that’s where he was going to take human history, he created male and female and established marriage as the life-long union of one man and one woman and that relationship is to be the place where sex is to be used. 

He does this for everybody’s sake (including those who are single) so that we can all see and be reminded of where God is taking us. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and the wife is to respect her husband as the church does Christ. Marriage and sex - when used in the way God created - gives the world a picture of who God is.

    You Might Think...

You may be tempted to think that my ultimate desire for you is that you ‘become straight’. No. In my neighbourhood, I am surrounded by heterosexuals who have prospering mutual funds, but bankrupt souls. They don’t know their Creator and neither their heterosexuality doesn't earn any brownie points with Him.

My ultimate desire for you is that you’ll come to know Him. You may call this my (ahem) missionary position. And so it is. It’s a position borne out of friendship. Though you express little interest in getting to know the one who has given you so much, you're still invited to His house.

You also may also be tempted to think that I see your relationship with Joanna as being all evil. This is not the case either. There's much good that I see in your relationship with her. You love one another, care for one another and enjoy each other’s company. It seems you are good friends and I see friendship as a gift from God. Were you to throw a party celebrating your friendship, I would be there with bells on.

My belief God has given sex a purpose and that using that gift for other purposes only causes harm in the long run to those who misuse it. That's why I cannot celebrate this decision with you - because I think there is a better way. 

     And that’s why

Of course, given your atheism, any talk of purpose (and therefore sin) is just silly. Life has no ultimate purpose - and therefore purpose cannot be misdirected.

I know some Christians would acknowledge everything that I’ve said above about the Biblical purpose of sex, yet they would still attend the ceremony out of affection for their friend. But the more I consider that option, the more convinced I am that it would be unloving for me to attend - and therefore support what is harmful for you. 

Like me, you also suffer from loneliness at times. But it has been my experience that the ultimate love we’re both looking for is found in Christ. Given my beliefs about the universe, humans, life, and love, my attendance would only be hatred dressed in the suit of politeness.

I understand if my refusal stings. Please consider it from my point of view. From my end, I would truly love to continue the friendship we’ve enjoyed over the last four years. Like rum and sex, I've received you as a gift from my God.

Every kind intention,

[Please Share]

bkFor a look at what else the Bible says about close friendship across the gender divide please check out Forbidden Friendships - available on Amazon in Paperback and Kindle in the USA and the UK.


  1. You judge someone, you crap on their friendship, you write this because you hypocritically still want their friendship and then you POST IT ONLINE! Seriously? The lack of genuine human awareness and sensitivity here is breathtaking.


  2. Wow a very good and detailed response, God bless

  3. Oh my God you pompous, self-righteous asshole. I hope she cuts you out of her life completely. I can't even begin to describe to you how egotistical and judgemental you are. She is obviously not your friend. You obviously see her as some "salvation project" to make yourself feel better. You compare her to rum and sex. Directly. She isn't even a human being to you.

    As a christian, please stop speaking for us. You make us look terrible.

    1. "As a christian, please stop speaking for us.You make us look terrible."

      As a Christian,please explain what gives YOU the right to speak on my behalf or that of other Christians'??
      Your ignorance and stupidity is not something I wish to be associated with.Obviously you failed to grasp the meaning of what was written and due to your OWN stupidity resorted to name calling, like some spoiled brat.

  4. This was so beautifully written and so spot on. I love the sincerity and personality that comes from this. I think that everyone in the world should see this so they can understand the legitimate Christian point of view; that we should be loving towards others, but not encourage others' sins. It's just beautiful altogether.

  5. @BrandonSeeSound13 April 2017 at 14:25

    The amazing thing about this article is that you actually posted it. You probably don't even realize how incredibly douchy this response is to the wedding invitation and it is sad. You, and christians like you, are being ignored as we pat you on the head and say "ok ok. that's nice" like a alzheimer who just declared they went to mars for lunch and just returned. We look at you and shake our heads and dismiss you without telling you how ignorant you are being. So you go along in life thinking you are an alien in the world and you have to fight the good fight for jesus. But the reality is the UK and USA are filled mostly with christians who look at the christians on their left and right and can't believe the world is acting like they act. You are the world and you are making the world a terrible place. Sure you do some good but this sort of hate creates the conditions that you condemn. I hope you see the truth one day. I hope you can learn to love. You think you are, but you've been blinded. Please examine your methods for determining truth.

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. Regardless of what some may think,being married in the eyes of God requires the participants to be 1 female and 1male.
    Anything other than this is a product of Western liberal ideals which are forced upon the silent majority,too afraid to speak out against it lest they be labeled homophobic!
    Nothing is free from this ridiculous political correctness, whereby if you attempt to stand up for your values,culture,religion you are immediately labelled a derogatory name in order to silence you.
    George Orwell wrote 1984 as a warning, it was NEVER intended to be a guidebook!


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